There Are Hard Things About Being a Mom

The hardest is that children grow up.

I met such a confusing mix of emotions today when I dropped my firstborn off for his first day at  preschool.

Two weeks ago, I was worried that he wouldn't be able to attend because he was exhibiting some serious symptoms of attachment/anxiety.  We had a long, stressful summer and it took its toll on everybody -especially Nolan.  I wasn't just worried about his attendance at preschool (that's not such a big deal) but the implication for complications in his future really had me regretting our summer and worrying about how things would add up.

Miraculously, something changed in the past week or so.  Nolan was suddenly more sure of himself, more excited about life, and looking forward to the future -- especially  preschool.

So this morning... 

I met Nervous.  Nervous said it wouldn't go smoothly, that the old anxious Nolan would cling to my legs, screaming when the time came to leave him.  Nervous was certain that he would get hurt or wet his pants or have some other crisis during his time there and never want to return.

We made it to the sidewalk in front of the preschool.  He was chatting excitedly, asked me to read him the "Welcome" sign, went right in the door, and led the way down the stairs.  Relief sent Nervous packing.  

The boy who was adamantly opposed to preschool two weeks ago (and for the month previous to that) was missing when I turned around from exchanging papers and money in the entrance.  I found him inside, comfortably seated next to one of the teachers, preparing to create something with glue, appearing like he was made for the moment.  Relief shook hands with Astounded.

Nolan barely acknowledged me when I kissed him goodbye.  At this point Stinging stepped in, because let's face it, sometimes it's hard as a mom to be constantly needed, but the realization that you aren't anymore is much harder.  (Is stinging an emotion? I definitely felt some stinging.)

After it was over --the time spent just me and my youngest-- we returned to the school and found Nolan in the play yard.  His two teachers both confirmed that he was a professional preschooler.  He played, crafted, made new friends, and got (very) dirty.  Then I reacquainted myself with Proud.  Yeah, he's amazing, I said in my mind.