What to Expect When You Unexpectedly Find Yourself Expecting

Disbelief.

For quite a while.

Then disbelief mixed with denial which gives way to the kind of acceptance that makes you laugh often and spontaneously. You empathize a little bit with the parents of "miracle babies", but more often with pregnant teenagers. You feel relieved to at least have the total support of one loyal fan. You feel nearly ashamed to admit your circumstance to anyone. You experience some anger, some amazement, some sadness, and sometimes recognize God's hand in it. Mostly, you just keep going, because that's all you can do anyway.

And then one day it's all over.

Or all begun.

You've got to keep him alive and try to make him thrive. You admit that he's cute, but in the same breath admit that he's difficult. It's difficult. And you spend some months just feeling like that. Difficult. And maybe you consider yourself a little inadequate, overwhelmed, and defeated. You might cry some. Or a lot.

Things get better. Sleep comes slowly. He learns to only scream sometimes, not all the time. He grows; becomes less dependent. His brother adores him. Thankfully. And he keeps getting cuter.

And then one day you are caught off guard all over again. Suddenly, it feels like you were expecting him from the very beginning. You sit and watch him from time to time, purely amazed that he almost wasn't and count your blessings that he is. Because he fills in cracks and crevices in your life that you never would have known were there. He makes you want to be better and do more. You remember all the feelings and experiences of the journey, but you feel a new reverence for where you are and mostly for him. Like he was meant to be. Truly a miracle. That's when the gratitude overflows and you feel compelled to write about it.